A Baby in the Mix

Trixy's picture

So, just recently I found out that my boyfriend of several years (off and on) cheated on me just before Christmas with an ex of his.  We have a long-distance relationship, so he was more easily able to hide that fact for me.  Now, today, I found out this girl is pregnant with his child and I am at a loss as to what to do.  Any suggestions?

I have never felt so relieved and so completely thrilled by someone else's potential suffering.  That probably makes me an absolutely awful person, but I have been through hell this past thirteen or fourteen months and I am just glad that it is over and I never ever have to see that woman again.


Thank you very much for your concern, but it has been a little over a year since all this began, and my trust in him is slowly rebuilding.  He has not cheated, or anything close to it, since that one night.  He moved out to Maple Ridge with me so I could be closer to my ill father and my family, he has all but written the other woman out of his life (her request), and she has fingered four other men who could potentially be the father of the child, who was born in August.

I don't think the "once a cheater, always a cheater" adage is really fair, simply because it does not take into account that people change and learn from their mistakes.

I have much appreciated everyone helping me through this tough time with advice and encouragement.  Since everything has happened, he and I have celebrated an anniversary, moved a few times, worked together, started our careers off and gotten engaged.  The question that has been hovering over our heads regarding paternity is going to be answered soon, and I am really quite happy.  That isn't to say that I do not have moments of doubt or pain, but I am definately better than I was a year ago.

You're a young gal Trixie. Although this might really hurt for a while, eventually it just makes you stronger and you learn from it. I've been in a similar situation before, right about your age actually. There's an old adage, that in my experience has been at least 90% true, once a cheater always a cheater. Was true in the situation I dealt with and is probably very similar in your situation. You should be with someone who respects you and treats you as someone of value. Cheating destroys trust, and trust is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship.

I hope it all works out for you though, regardless of the decision you make.

Monday Jordan is going in for DNA testing, which means I am going to have to face reality and am going to have to move past the denial stage.  It will be a little while before we know the results, but I am completely sick to my stomach with worry.  I don't want to know, and if I ask Jordan not to tell me, he won't.

However, I know I can't do that because it will only stop the wound from healing and it will deny Jordan of my support through this, and I know he will need it.

I truly don't know what to do at this point.  I mean, there really isn't anything for me to do, is there?  I just don't know if I am able to cope with it.  And what if I'm not?  What will I do then?  Will I leave him?  Where will I go if I do?  My brain is all mixed up and my heart is doing no better.

Wish me luck, whatever the outcome.

Just a little update for anyone who cares...  the c-section is scheduled for August 30th, three weeks from today.  I am alternately feeling sick and devestated, with a small dose of terror on the side.  I am playing "avoid reality at all costs for the next 20 days" right now.  Yay!

I want to thank everyone who has posted here out of genuine concern...  I know that my decision is foolhardy, but I am someone who sort of needs to find out things the hard way...  Here's hoping it all works out.  ^__^

This is a very difficult situation.  It's easy for us to sit back and assess it for you, but we're not wrestling with the emotions involved, unlike you.  Which is both good and bad.  Bad because we can't immediately relate to what an effect this has on your life, but good because we don't have our hearts in the way to cloud certain things.   You must realize that we're good people who hate to see someone so kind get hurt.  The general consensus here seems to be saying that you should save yourself some grief and start over elsewhere, and that this is not a bad or non-Christian thing to do.   After all, you have been more than willing, and more than giving - but they do not seem to both be truly keen on the situation (especially the mother, who says one thing to your face and then another behind your back).  It is one thing to give, but perhaps it is best to give to someone who not only needs it, but wants it.  I know how much you want to "see things through" otherwise you'll "never know".  But sometimes never knowing is a good thing.  Allow me to illustrate:

I moved to New Zealand to be with a man I thought I knew.  I gave up everything, sold almost all of my possessions, said goodbye to my job of 10 years and my closest friends to be with him.  I was to visit for 3 weeks, then go home, finish packing up and fly back within a month.  Well, he had been cheating on me the whole time we were planning for me to move there.  He told me this only two weeks after I arrived.  I flew home at the end of my 3-week stay, and within a week flew back to work it out (after all, he said he was sorry and wanted to).  But it went nowhere, drove me deep into debt, and to the brink of suicide.  In my need to "see things through" I ended up screwing myself for about $8000, further alienating him from me, and alienating most of my friends who had warned me against it from the beginning.   As a result I have learned that there is a difference between making sacrifices for love, and clinging beyond what is healthy.  Check yourself carefully to make sure you know the difference.  I didn't know it at age 32, but I do now.  I am hoping that you won't need to go through that kind of misery to learn it.

I'm just wondering, is there a shortage of single men in your area, because a lot of this does appear to be the makings of a diaster in the the future and odds are good you'll be hurt.

You're moving in with a guy and his pregnant girl that he carried on with as well as you. He's got a sweet deal, two women after him. She gets a father for the kid on site. You get what? table scraps? Sleep in the laundry room until it's your turn for the evening with him? I'm not seeing where you have some leverage or equality here.

I'd tell this to a friend, and I'll say it to you: maybe you should look at getting away from the situation.

It just hit me that there's only 5 days left until I move and I am completely terrified and keep trying to ignore the reality of this because I am so unprepared and...  ugh, I started crying.  I want this, I know I do, but it's so soon and I feel like there are all these loose ends here and I just...  damn it.

No one can make your mind/heart up but you.  I would not feel right adding pressure to your situation.  All people have done is hopefully throw out some other ideas for you to consider.

It sounds like she's not going to work with you, and really from her perspective why should she settle for the small half of the pie.  I would suggest you don't put too much out there for her to hurt you with later.  If you do all this for her and she burns you later it's just going to hurt that much more.

As for him, if you can work it out with him then I would reiterate - be very clear on your boundaries and keep your eyes wide open.  Good luck - tough spot to be in when so young.

I believe in second chances. But thirds and fourths and fifths?

I don't think I am giving third, fourth or fifth chances.  The cheating on me was the mistake...  the child is simply a result of that and not something I have the right to punish him for. 

I hate to say it, but that's desperation talking, not your heart.

I don't believe hope and desperation are the same things.  I am hoping for the best, but know that there may come a time when we decide that this is not going to work.  Until that moment, I am going to continue to try and make the best of what I have.

As for not caring about the other people in the situation and only worrying about myself...  what a complete hypocrite of a Christian and a decent human being would that make me?  I am far more concerned about this girl and my boyfriend than I am about myself.  At this point, I am here to be a rock for the both of them...  involved but still seperate, able to offer support, love and compassion.  Here are two young people who are thrown into a very difficult situation.  Yes, by their own choices, but still difficult nonetheless.  For me to turn around and say to my boyfriend, "Well, the going got tough...  time to get going," would be to make a mockery of everything we have had together for years.

I understand that no one else may be able to see things the way that I do, but I cannot turn my back on this yet.  Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel.  There is always something better to strive for.  I hope, in ten years, I can be talking about the amazing life I share with this man, this child that will be born in the summer, and the children I hope to have with my boyfriend in the future.  Yes, that may never become reality, but there is always hope.

Like I told Swoop the other day, when there comes a time when people do not have the ability to risk everything for what they believe in, when people do not have the choice to lay it all on the line for love, for hope, for a better tomorrow, life will stop being worth living.  We will have reached a low...  But for now?  I have that choice, and I willingly put myself on the line for this man...  because I have hope, and because I love him.

/drama  ;)

I just think that we can make it.  And if we can endure through this, we can endure through anything.

That line of thinking sounds really familiar. In fact, in my last relationship I used that very same line of thinking time and time again. So did my significant other. The circumstances were different, but the motivation was the same: if we can overcome this big horrible hurdle, we can make it through anything, right? I hate to say it, but that's desperation talking, not your heart. Sadly, the truth is that if the relationship were "working" that hurdle wouldn't be there in the first place. I'm with swoop - I believe in second chances. But thirds and fourths and fifths?

Sure, now there are "real consequences". Except, that there were consequences before, too, and he should have realized that. It shouldn't take a person this kind of situation to realize their actions have consequences. It's called responsibility.

I also notice that it sounds like you're willing to bend over backwards to make it easier for this other girl so you can keep things together with this guy. This is one of those times where you shouldn't even be worrying about other people. You should be doing what's best for you. It doensn't sound like staying with this guy is the best thing for you, in my opinion, but maybe it's just hard to see that. That's why they say "love is blind", after all. Blinding would be more accurate.

I'm with SwoopGuy on this school thing as well. There's a lot of pressure in post secondary. Outside pressures from other parts of your life can have very adverse affects on your education. He's right: a stable relationship would be better. If you really want to stay focused, maybe no relationship at all is the best thing.

Of course these are just my opininos and observations. Take them or leave them. I'm just another avatar in the digital crowd anyways. But I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

Thanks for being there to talk to through all this, Swoop.  I know that to most other people that what I am doing seems very foolhardy, but I just need to know that it can't work before I walk away.  If I leave him now without us ever even living in the same city, I will be left with the same what if's I had the last time we were seperated.  It's torture, not knowing whether or not things could have worked if we had just taken that last leap of faith and given our relationship a real chance.  I love him, I do...  and I know he's made mistakes, but I honestly believe that now that there's real consequences to his actions he might think twice.  He knows already that if he hurts me like that again I'm gone...

I don't know how to explain why I want to keep trying...  I just think that we can make it.  And if we can endure through this, we can endure through anything.

Hey Trixy,

    Just an additional thought to what we've already chatted about.  You're planning on going on to post secondary (college/university/whatever).  It's nice to have a stable relationship when you start school (so heart issues don't get in the way), but that doesn't seem to be your case, as you describe it.  Secondly, having people f*** with your heart and your head while you're trying to build a life/career is counter productive, cold as that may sound.  Thirdly, college/university is a FANTASTIC place to meet people, and many of the people you meet will be really wonderful people (your choice).  Seriously consider a world without a boyfriend who cheats.  Note the plural on "cheats."  He's cheated on others, he's cheated on you, there is stunningly little cause to believe he won't cheat again.  If all it takes is your absence for him to have second thoughts(re: paragraph 3), remember that you cannot be at his side 24/7.

I was with you on the second chance thing at the start, but things seem to be going from bad to worse.  Do what you gotta do, but remember how shitty you felt when he cheated, and imagine how devestated you will be when it happens again.

God bless.

If things weren't bad enough...

I went to Kelowna, trying to work things out and come to some sort of agreement all of us could live with to make this easier.  This is no one's ideal situation, but with a little work, we can live with it...  or that's what I thought.  The girl who is pregnant (C.) was so willing to try while I was there, but as soon as I left town she was telling my boyfriend to leave me so they could live together and raise a family.  Apparently having a step mom is going to fuck this kid up or something.

And then, when I got home, my parents asked that I be moved out by the end of the month, giving me 12 days to find a new place and restart my life on my own.  Now, when I thought I could rely on my boyfriend, he is saying he doesn't know if he wants to live with me after all.  Things were going so well while I was there, and as soon as I leave, everything is up in the air.

It scares me, how easily she can get to him, can make him unsure of things he was formerly so sure of.  I don't know what to do...  in terms of where to live, in terms of whether I should keep trying to make this work...

I have put what I think is a very generous offer on the table for this girl.  I told her...  if she needs a place to live and can't afford it on her own, then the three of us (myself, her and my boyfriend) can get a place so there is still a sense of family and she has the help she needs whenever she needs it.  I told her if she needs money, I will help her out.  If she needs a ride to work, daycare, the doctor's, etc, I will drive her...  I ever offered to teach her how to drive and told her once she got her N that she could borrow my car!  I have tried to give her everything humanly possible to make this easier on her...  and all she seems to want is for me to disappear so she can raise her precious family with MY boyfriend.  I am sorry, but the way I see it?  If you want a family, stop trying to start one with a man otherwise romantically involved.

So now I am at this really precarious place where in 9 days I need to have a decision made and be on my way to taking my life in whichever direction I choose...  and I am getting no input from any side.  I am so scared...  I've never been on my own before.  I don't know what I am going to do...

I was going to reply earlier and chickened out - it's not for me to want to mix in the relationships of others with so little information.


you need to keep a few things in mind.  And this is not a recommendation to not get back together or work it out or whatever.

First - my rule to live by is: When it's over, it's over - if you decide to break up DO NOT GO BACK. The reasons for this are simple - if you know the break is the end, you'll work harder at the relationship and the break will be cleaner if you get to that point - no ghost of relationships haunting your sole.

With that disclaimer in mind:

A baby is not a 1 person job - if your man is a good parent he is now consigned to a lifetime of responsibility and in doing so is in a relationship of sorts with the 3rd party.  This is going to put a lot of pressure on you especially if she still desires him.  Beware of the trap of being involved in the best of both situations.  If I were you I'd tell him if he cheats again, he's all done.  BE VERY CLEAR on your expectations. 

There are a lot of single men and no investment in time is worth ruining the next x years of your life with someone who's already proven their infidelity.  Now having said that I refer you to the above post that says I am not recommending anything - just a Point of View.

You sound cool and deserve a fair shot at a decent relationship - Communication is essential - good luck.  BTW married for 12 years (since age 23) so I know whereof I speak. 

I do want to work things out, and we are moving in that direction.  I am going out to see him this Friday for a few days, and while I am there this girl wants to go out to coffee with me so we can sit down and talk and try and work things out between us so that when this child is born, we aren't fighting tooth and nail.

I know why he cheated, and while I do not understand because I could never bring myself to cheat on him...  I am slowly starting to accept that part of it all.  Accepting that someone else is having his first child is going to be a little harder to get over...  but time does heal all wounds...  or, at least I hope that one cliche is true.

Yep, that would be the most obvious answer to me too. However, I know things are not always that simple...

My question would be this... (oh but this is rhetorical, so don't actually answer. it's just for you to get ur thoughts straight for yourself). : why did he cheat? Did he mean to cheat? Were there other factors invovled ie alcohol, drugs, etc?

[start edit] this isn't to suggest that alcohol and drugs make cheating okay...[end edit }

Ultimately the issue of the child is up to him and this other girl, so you don't need to worry yourself about that thankfully. But for arguments sake, if you stayed with him, could you handle knowing that he has a child that was concieved with another woman behind your back?

If the answer is yes, then maybe you can work things out, if that's what you want. If not, refer to Atratus' post above.

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