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hi iv a bit of a problem the other night i was up the pub with my boyfriend and i used his phone to sent a messeage to my sister. i went the to delete it from the outbox and found a message to a girl called jo who i no he went out with before.

at the end of this message it said love james x x x.

i told him what i saw and i havent spoken to him in two days im not sure what to do i love him amd i dont want to throw an 11 month relantionship away. he says it means nothing.

any advice what i should do?


I'm sorry to hear that things didn't go as planned.  Try not to let it get you too down (I know it's going to hurt) and try and use this as a learning experience.  Dating isn't just about learning what you eventually want in a spouse, but what you don't want (if, that is, you even want to get married).  Next time, maybe, you'll notice bad/harmful character traits in a possible boyfriend before you get emotionally or phsyically attatched and save yourself some trouble and pain.  Good luck to you, sweetie.  Trust me, everything will be alright.

He was with her a month and had been split up with her a year before we went out.

Its so true I seem to fall 4 losers

I'm gonna give up.  I tried talking but, hey, it never works.

Yay!  I rawk!  ^__^

Anyhow, another little thing that occured to me, midnight, is this:  If he is cheating on you, run far far away, sweetheart.  If you don't, if you stay (like I have), you will regret it (like I do).  You will always be paranoid, always be wondering if, when he's alone with such and such a girl...  is he fooling around with her?  I know there might be some temptation to give him another chance after spending so much time together, but don't!  He doesn't deserve it, and you deserve so much better.

(See my new thread to understand why I am so adament about this...)

Very good advice.  In my own experience, I have noticed that it takes at least half the amount of time to get over someone as it did to be with them (example - go out with someone for 5 years, takes 2 1/2 years to get those strong emotions out of my system).  Not sure if anyone has noticed the same pattern in their lives, but that's how it's been with me, anyway.

Confrontation is hard.  It's easier to give someone the silent treatment, because it is often difficult to control our emotions enough to make conversation about them intelligible.  But if you care for this guy at all, and there is an issue that is bothering you, confront him you must.  And I do mean face-to-face.  You know what has worked for me in the past, when I have found confrontation to be very awkward?  Spending several hours (or even days) writing a letter outlining all of my thoughts on the matter.  Then I meet with the person, and give them the letter to read right there on the spot.  That way discussion can take place, with the letter as an ice-breaker and gorey details all in one.  And because I have spent time carefully describing my thoughts and editing them, I am more able to say everything I want to say - but unlike mailing a letter or emailing it cold, I am right there to clarify everything and keep it in context (we all know how sometimes people see negative emotions in things they read, that aren't actually there - the internet is awful for that).   Regardless of the method or outcome, by confronting the situation you will get some answers, instead of cold, awkward silence.

I hope you give it a shot.  Best of luck to you.

How long was your boyfriend with this ex?  And how long was it between breaking up with her and getting together with you?  If he was with her for a long time and never had time to truly heal, there may be some feelings there that were never resolved.  Young people have this tendancy to rush from one relationship to another, never taking time to properly grieve their loss.  This tendancy ends up creating a lot of dysfunctional relationships because the people still have strong bonds with their exes that are not resolved.  Take that timeline into consideration and ask yourself if he was given time to "get over" his last girl.

i understand what you guys are says i wasnt snooping the reason im havnt been speaking is cos iv no idea what to say t him the other half of the message said iv missed you do u wanna meet up sometime in our special place.

I still say "love you!" to my less crummy exes, and I tell all my friends how much I love them on a frequent basis, so I would have to agree with Atratus and say that you should worry more about the bulk of the message, rather than the "love-y" ending.

As for the fact that you, in a huff, cut off communication after eleven months of dating this guy, you might want to re-evaluate your commitment to the relationship.  If he is, in fact cheating on you, then your behaviour might be excusable, but to me it seems a little immature since you don't know all the facts.

You need to learn a few basic relationship rules.  One of them is no snooping.  Your significant other deserves privacy and shouldn't be worried that you are going through his personal communications with other people.  I know that you would be pissed if he went into your email account and read your emails if you let him use your computer for something, so why would you do the same thing to him with his phone? 

Another of these golden rules is that you need to trust the person you are with if you ever want a strong relationship.  If you are paranoid that he is screwing around on you without any proof, then there is more of a problem on your end than on his. 

And, finally, you need to learn to communicate.  Talk to him instead of giving him the silent treatment.  Perhaps he is just being a good guy and a good friend to this girl, or perhaps there is some underlying problem in your relationship that is making him seek affection from a past flame, and there is always the possibility that he is just a jerk, but to find out what is going on, you need to sit down and talk to him.  Acting like a kid on the playground and ignoring him because he pissed you off isn't going to get you anywhere.  If you really want this to work out, then you need to cut the childish crap and give the guy you have spent nearly a year with the benefit of the doubt.  Doesn't he deserve that much?

My two cents, though you probably won't like it, is the following:

Why are you snooping in his phone messages in the first place? It sounds to me like maybe there are some trust issues here that need to be addresses first and foremost. My advice is this:

a) If you trust him ( I mean REALLY trust him) you'll take his word that it's nothing and leave it alone.

b) If you don't trust him, you probably have your reasons not to. If this is the case, then yes, I might worry and confront him.

Although honestly, this is none of my business anyways. I don't even know why I'm responding to this. So take my advice, or leave it. I won't be offended either way. Heck, feel free to flame me. I probably deserve it.

It's the content of the letter you should be looking at. not the closing. Would you worry about a letter using the salutation "dear"? Closing the letter with "Love" is often just as meaningless, once upon a time when people wrote letters on paper "Love" was a pretty standard way to close a letter to close friends. In more old-fashioned and formal letter writing the "love" orignally meant the same Platonic or familial love implied by the "dear" at the beginning and became quite meaningless over time. They are just stylistic conventions like capitalisation and punctuation. I could even be done in sarcasm. It's what comes between "dear" and "love" that counts.


Dear Brenda,

I think it is time you returned the books we loaned eachother since we aren't seeing eachother anymore.




Dear Dianna,

I understand you have gained a great deal of weight and your new lover has left you for greener pastures. Nice to know life is going so swimmingly for you.

Love XXX,


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